When you realize someone doesn't like you

There comes a time in our lives when we realize that not everyone likes us.  It's a sickening feeling, it makes you feel inferior and wonder what could you could have done that someone doesn't like you, when you though your were a fairly nice person.  But truthfully not a single one of us is the moon and the stars to everyone.  Surprising right..nope not really.

So then what do I do(everyone reacts differently)?  There was a time that I would freak out, probably cry(when I got home), taken a pill because of course it was going to cause a panic attack just going over what I could have possibly done.  But that has changed or is changing.  First of all I make sure to  which write, in depth, at least 4 times a week in my journal.  This has given me a whole new outlook on the things that are going on in my life and around me.  Another was accepting that I can not control everything, that some people don't care how I feel. Now I am not saying there aren't people who care about me or who know when I am a bit "off".  But the truth is that not everyone is going to like me and even though I may never know why the world will keep spinning.

BUT this also gives me the freedom of not having to love, like or even tolerate people who I kept in my life for way to long.  What a freeing feeling.  I don't have to like you and you don't have to like me.  Imagine that....we don't have to like everyone and they most certainly don't have to like us.  The difference with me is once upon a time it could drive me to a total feeling of panic and misery.  I would actually feel physically ill.  But not any longer, you see I am taking my life back.

Guess what!  This doesn't just go for people you work with or live near but your family also.  I don't mean my children or my mother or sister...I love them, yes we argue, sure we don't always agree.  But its OK.  Now there are other members of my family ..well...not so much.  And that is OK, painful at times, but in the end it is healthier for me.

This was an eye opening experience for me.  A freeing experience.  I feel like for the first time in a very long time that I don't have to feel guilty for not liking or wanting to be around someone.  And I am OK with you not being my biggest fan either. After all not everyone gets along.  Maybe someday in the future we will find a middle ground but the fact that I no longer pretend to like someone makes my life easier and also takes away the panic because I can honestly say that I really don't care as much (there are still lingering bits of panic or pain but I am getting there).  My days of crying and panic about things I could not possibly fix it are over.  No it is not always easy and sometimes I feel a little panic creep in but then I think about it, breath slowly and go on with my life.

Lent

Lent is just around the corner and again this year seems to be going faster than I can keep up with. But back to talking about Lent, when I was child it consisted of giving up something that was really hard like chocolate or a TV show.  But now everything has changed.

So what do you give up for Lent when your in your 40's.  I don't really eat much chocolate, soda has already been given out since our Mayor has decided to tax it by the ounce...yeah by the ounce.  So what to do.  I think this year I am going to try to give up something different for Lent.  Maybe it will be time or donations.  I haven't really decided yet.  Being a good Catholic is a struggle for me right now but I guess that is the reason for Lent..to see the struggle and sacrifice you should be doing.  Not worrying about what the person in the pew next to you is giving up or doing.  

I know one of the things I will be giving up for lent is my judgment of others.  After all I am not without sin myself so I won't be casting any stones.

So I will probably go live today

Well I think today is going to be the day I tell my bestie about the blog and have her read it.  But I am going to go live anyway...hey no one may read it but I am really ok with that.  But right now its 5 in the morning and I have things I should be doing.  So here is to going life at some point today

What are you doing with your refund?

I guess first I should say if you are getting a refund what are you doing with it? Thank God I don't owe but I am still getting a refund.  So I will re-adjust my with holding again so that I don't have a refund or have very little next year.  This year things changed with deductions and next year it will change completely since I will have no children to claim and no college costs to claim either.  But on the good side that means no Fasfa!  Whooo hooo.

So anyway this year I am getting a small refund(much smaller then I thought) but again the goal is not to owe anything....to be even.  So small is good.  With my refund I am doing a major stock up at the markets(hitting the deals at each) and then off to Costco.  While this may sound silly to some, stocking up on certain items saves me time and money in the end.

I am also putting money into my EF fund since it needs an infusion.   My car tags are due in March so I am going to splurge and renew them for two years.  My inspection is due in May.  Since I am taking the car to the mechanic for an oil change next week I will have him go over it so I know what i am looking at(if I need anything).  I think I may need 4 new tires or at least two since one of them is plugged and I just noticed there is a huge bolt type screw in another tire.  So I will put money aside for that.  We can only get our cars inspected 3 months ahead of time but nothing says I can't have my mechanic look at it and get the work done before.  Oh I also purchased new windshield wipers which my mechanic will put on when he does the oil change..yes I could have had Auto zone put them on but last time they almost broke the clip for the back one.  

The final part of the pay out is going to pay my car insurance for the year.  Since my mom is no longer driving it dropped my insurance a little.

I know some people are banking the whole thing or maybe they are going out shopping.  It's your money so no judgment from me, I am simply wondering how everyone is spending.

Oh I did forget to admit that I am going to buy yarn.  I need one skein to finish a project for someone, my niece just went from a toddler bed to a twin size bed and informed me she would really like a new blanky so we will pick out the yarn when she is down(ever pick out yarn with a four year old its like getting pecked by a duck) but I will try and steer her towards the soft quality yarn.  Besides that I warned my sister she can have any color she wants.  Oh and I found wonder woman material so I will pick up enough of that to make a pillow case for her.  She loves all the super hero's but especially wonder woman and superman.  So If I find some superman material that isn't to expensive I will make two pillow cases.  I know I am boring.  But its yarn...i love yarn...

Stressing about money can ruin your life

Stress.  Money.  Bills. Money. Anxiety.   All of this is caused by stressing about things you can't afford or think you can't afford.  Sure there are lots of reasons to stress out and panic but take it from someone who in a previous life would call her best friend in tears because of bills I was stressing over.  Truthfully I didn't have as much debt as some and I had more than others but I needed to adjust to one income and I needed to realize that even though I owed money the worst they could do was beat me with a paper stick.  They could not take away my home(nope never put that at risk), they couldn't take my my family away, all I had to do was keep working, keep trying.  So why was I giving them the power to make me miserable.

Guilt was a big part.  I owed money...I had to pay it off now...what could I cut to save money.  It was at this point that I realized I could only take one step at a time after all owing money on a car, or a loan or a credit card didn't mean I had to give up my life.  So I stopped.  I stepped back and I prioritized. First thing was an EF and when that was at a comfortable(for now) level then I looked at the bills and I made sure everything was caught up.  After that I looked at which ones would get paid off first. Not exactly the Dave Ramsey method BUT all my bills are current, my 403 is looking good, and I have a EF.  I am now down to exactly 4 debts that need to be paid off.  Not including basics such as food, utilities, car insurance and such.  And yes those bills are in the process of being paid off.

But one of the important things I have learned is that owing a company money does not mean I owe them my life.  I do not need to live in fear of phone calls or worry that this is the end of the world as I know it.  I just keep going on.  If they call me for some reason I tell the truth.  They are current and I am paying what I am supposed to so please don't call again.  If they keep calling while I am current well that's why my phone has that neat block feature and why I don't answer calls from numbers I don't recognize.  Again I owe them money but not my life or happiness.

Believe this isn't something I came to overnight.  I had to put more value on me then on the money I owe.  I am more important than my bank balance or my credit score and I am sticking to that.   Maybe if things go as planned I will be debt free by Christmas or maybe something will happen and it will take longer.  But it still will not effect my happiness or drive me to the point of panic attacks(extreme ones).  Just take your power back.  We are more than the sum of our bank accounts.

Starting over....again

Well lets see...I think this is the 4th blog I have had, so maybe it should be life behind door number four.  But it doesn't, so we will all just deal with it and move along.  I am going to make three statements and then I am going to move on to my blog.  Right now I have it marked private till I write a few posts and show my bestie and get my blog feet back.

The three statements well here we go:
- Yes I did delete my blogs and start over a few times.  This had everything to do with how I was feeling or what was going on in my life.  I did get some nasty emails but never answered them because even though I am blogging. my life is my life.  I think that sometimes we feel that we owe people a post every day, or something that goes along with the majority vote on feelings, money and such.  When I no longer enjoyed the blog, when it felt forced or when people felt that they could look up my children on facebook(don't bother they don't have them anymore)  That is when blogging lost it's joy for me.

-I am going to blog about all kinds of things this time around.  What ever I am feeling.  It may be money and budgets one day, depression or panic attacks, getting older as the sandwich generation or who knows but I am writing for me this time.  And though I still read other blogs I won't be crushed if you have no interest in mine.  After all blogging is about the freedom.

-My family and kids are so off limits this time.  I mean it, though I may mention things from time to time it wont be anything serious and I wont invade their privacy.  They are adults.  They all work hard and I am proud of them.  But they are totally off limits.

So I know this first posting sounds mean or even harsh but it really wasn't meant that way.  I am just easing  my way back in on my terms.  I will write about what ever strikes me at the moment and see where it goes from there.  Hopefully I don't find a reason to leave ever again but life changes, doors open and close, friends move on, children grow up.   On that note I will end this blog post :)