Nothing really to talk about

I know I have dropped off the face of the earth.  Truthfully, I just don't have anything to say.  Life is as it always is and slamming my head against a wall day after day isn't something I really want to talk about right now.  I guess I am just tired.  Tired of everything.  So for right now I am going to go back into my corner and sit there quietly.

I am still reading other blogs but as for mine.....I just don't have anything to say right now.

all because of a pop tart

Last night I was looking in the cabinet for something.  You know when you don't want anything but still want something.  Well I chose a smores poptart.  When I bit down I felt pain..stupid, tooth pain. And I am terrified of the dentist...goes back to a childhood thing. But really scared to death.

But I called him this morning at 8:00 and he had me in at 8:30.  Well I have a diagonal crack through one of my back molars and I have a matching one up top.  I know it comes from gritting my teeth at night and need to get a mouth guard.  Now he can fix one tooth since its a new "crack" but the other one am going to have to go to a specialist.

So now I hate dentists and pop tarts!

Another one of those money posts

I know I am not in as much debt as I used to be.  Slowly but surely I am climbing out but not I am not there yet.  In the mean time food is going up, prescriptions, gas, insurance..well just about everything.  So again I drop back and re-adjust.

=Called cell phone company today.  Seems they have not been giving me the employee discount.  Of course they don't back date it but I will at least make sure to go over the bill more thoroughly.

=Argued and won with the car insurance company.  They did not draft the payment out on the correct day and then tried to charge a 15.00 late fee.  Nope.  Your fault.  They have reversed it.

=Selling, donating or just plain getting rid of things that seem to accumulate.

=Finished health education courses for our insurance through work  This means I get a discount from August til September.  Yes it was a pain in the @ss but hey 25.00 off every two week is 50.00 bucks a month back in my pocket.

=Blood work done at the hospital in network for a bigger discount.  Like I said every penny counts.

I just need to keep pushing through right now.  Fact is even when the debt is gone I am behind on retirement and again things are getting more and more expensive leading to much more careful shopping.  Plus since the weather has been mild the central has not been turned on yet and the heat has been off for two months.

Not asking for anyone's pity just keeping myself in line.  Truthfully I have no idea if anyone even reads this :)

Food shopping...It's not for the weak

Once upon a time, in a time far, far away I have been told that food shopping simply meant going to the local market and then the local butcher and maybe if it was a good week the bakery.  I am still young(or old) enough to remember when the huckster would come around.  Fruit and vegetables were always cheaper from him because maybe his tomatoes weren't as round or the eggplant needed to be eaten right away or he had to many watermelons.  Didn't matter because what ever was cheaper from him and hadn't been planted, well then my grandmom, mom, and every other mom on the street were out there.  Seems simpler.

Food shopping for me right now is not so much a one and done thing.  Nope it's a trip to Shop Rite for their loss leaders, then to Acme for their loss leaders, usually a swing by Walmart and then Aldi's. Costco is for a major stock up when it is a three pay check month.  Usually between SR, Acme, Walmart and Aldi's I can stock up on things to get me to the next sale(like peter pan pb) hopefully I plan and get the most for my money.  So far it is working out pretty well.

But I have three people to feed and one is a vegetarian which helps.  We don't eat a ton of meat and usually have a salad at every meal.  We do eat potatoes, rice and pasta.  Which meat, chicken or fish we get depends on what is on sale and what I can do the most with.  My goal no matter what is zero waste.  I don't like throwing money into the trashcan.  We aren't starving.  That's not an issue but shopping as smartly as I can is an issue.

I am lucky that I live in a section of Philly that has all of these markets within a few minutes drive.  If they were further apart then one of them would be cut out since the waste of gas would not make up for the savings.  Plus our glorious Mayor decided to put a tax on all soda and any juice with sugar(yes even orange juice has sugar) which means I only pick up flavored seltzer or soda or juice if I happen to be outside the city limits.  That is just the way it is.

Well I shall end my boring food post now.  Its not just a food shopping trip...its and adventure.

Dante's 5th circle of hell - flex spending

Flex spending is a wonderful thing.  Go to the Doctor and just pay with your card..no problem..no worries about having to keep track of all receipts.  Swipe and go.  Each member of the family has their own but with a few computer strokes I can keep track of all balances.  But then it happens.

The first email states they are questioning your purchase of new glasses.  OK went to the opthamologist, then picked out glasses and Rx sunglasses.  I have pretty good insurance so I swipe and go.  Three months later I get the email.  They want proof of my prescription glass refill.  I call and they tell me that they need to make sure that the glasses were purchased..sigh.  OK receipt pulled out and faxed over.

Two days later guess what I get.  A email requesting proof of both of my daughters glasses.  Same doctor and same place we purchase glasses.  Except the girls file and keep track of their bills til tax time.  Call the eye doctor and no problem they will print out the receipt and I can pick them up tomorrow or better yet they will fax them right there as long as I bring in the telephone number and sign the cover sheet.  No problem will take care of that tomorrow.

Just now I am thinking I was able to handle all of it and solve it with no problem.  Til I just signed on the computer.  They are questioning my doctor prescribed vitamin.  Sigh.  I will call the doctors office in the morning plus send a copy of the order that was filled through the pharmacist.

I am sure there are plenty of ways to get around flex spending regulations but truthfully I have enough bills that I need to make sure the money goes where it is supposed to be.  They assure me they have paid them but now I need to prove everything or repay the flex card myself.  Don't get me wrong I am happy to have it, I use it as I need it.  But what in the world could I buy at the eye doctors that wouldn't have been covered.  And really of all our medication they pick out prescription vitamins.

I know it, I hear every day how medical care and insurance companies and flex companies are rushing to cover their own behinds.  Maybe it would just be easier to send out the receipt as soon as I receive it.

Or I will just keep my mouth shut, be glad that we are offered flex and go on with my life all in all it is just a mild inconvenience.

Bothered and bewildered

Sorry for falling off the face of the earth for a few weeks.  It happens, it's part of life, well at least my life sometimes.  Right now my life is in a state of flux for lack of a better word.  There are so many balls in the air and I only have two hands to catch them so some are getting missed.  Again that's OK and just something I have to handle as I go along.

Well this was only meant to be a short post.  More later I promise

Turning 49

In two weeks I will be 49.....I am not sure how it happen but somehow life flew by me as I was busy. It sounds insane to have a problem wrapping my head around it after all age is just a number and no matter what you could not pay me me to do 20 again.

I have learned more in my 40's than I ever did in the decades before.  If I look back so much has changed in the world since I was just a little one, some good, some bad and some that crushed my heart and some that made my world a better place.  I have made mistakes both small and large but haven't we all.  I have children that I love more than anything.  I have no idea where the future goes. I hope it continues to get better.

49.....I don't know it seems like just yesterday I was in my twenties.  But I guess as things go turning 49 beats the alternative.

The upkeep on cars...pay me now or pay me later

Cars are one of those things where you pay me now or pay me big time later.  I am heading for inspection time but there are some thing I know that need to be done on the car that I am getting done ahead of time or thankfully my daughters boyfriend can fix for me.  So what have I had done or am I having done before my inspection:

=New windshield wipers.  Well I knew I needed new ones before inspection but ice hurling at my windshield after the last snowstorm completely took off one wiper.  Thank God they didn't damage the arm.  I had to pay a little more since I went to Firestone(it was raining and I needed a wiper) and I always get Rain ex wipers.  Yes it cost a little more but they did tell me that the last time that Auto zone put on my wipers they put the wrong size on my drivers side which explain why the middle of the window wasn't getting cleared.  DUH!

=My head light went out on the drivers side.  Since the running lights are always on and driving with one headlight is not really safe to me I am off to Auto Zone tomorrow to get two replacement bulbs for the car.  Why?  If one went the second is going to go soon plus I would rather he replaced both at the same time.

=I have a plug in my tire which is losing air.  After talking to my mechanic and he taking a look at my tires he said I really do need two new tires.  I will be replacing them at inspection time and he will rotate and do the rest.

= My daughters boyfriend will also be doing my oil change, oil filter change and air filter change.  He is really is a savior for small things with the car.  He refuses to take money so I will pick him up a wawa card for gas for his car or his all time favorite Taco Bell...my daughter hates Taco bell so he can get it when he is not with her.  He will change the headlights, oil and filter and air filter.  He works in the medical field but is a wiz with cars.

=Tomorrow they are calling for torrential rains.  My handy dandy dust buster is charging and I will just close the doors, turn up the radio and vacuum the car mats and seats.  I also need to look into getting seat covers for the front.  

= I am also cleaning the inside of Henry (my car)with my spray bottle of dawn and my spray bottle of water/vinegar.  My dash, steering wheel and all of the front need a good wipe down or vacuum!  I really hate having a dirty car. It drives me insane.

=With the snow and ice and cleaning it off or being plowed in I have notice a few scratches on the car.  Sunday is supposed to be warm enough to touch up the paint and put clear coat on it(both purchased from the dealership).  The east coast uses both brine and salt and believe me it does a number on your car.  Next week I will take it to the car wash to make sure the salt is washed off the underneath and it's waxed and clean :)

So there you have my boring plans for tomorrow and the weekend.  I am always reminding people to please check your tires and your breaks.  Believe me I have seen way to many people when I worked on the hospital floor whose accidents were caused by thing that could have been fixed.  Will it hit my car EF, sure but we will be safer.

Do you find this insulting?????

My daughter is getting married.  So even though the wedding is still way off I have been running ideas through my head and even picked up one or two things..if things such as dates change no biggie still usable.

Anyway I was looking at mugs on line as my daughter loves coffee/tea mugs as does her fiance.  I found two that I really loved and ordered them but I also found one that I just didn't think were funny or appropriate for a newly married couple.  Maybe I have become sensitive to some things.  But one mug said "Mr. Right" and the always said "Mrs. ALWAYS Right".  Now maybe I was more offended since I was looking for my daughter, but would it be just as funny if it said "Mrs. Right and Mr. Always Right?  I know a stupid thing to get annoyed about but I was annoyed. So I voted with my dollars and didn't buy it.  Easy peasy.   No longer annoyed and found a different set that is perfect!

Maybe I just feel that marriage is a little more serious than that.  I mean my daughter would not have found it amusing neither would  my future son-in-law.  I am sure their are many couples who would have.  

Well that's enough wedding talk since this is not my monkey or my parade.  I am just here for support :)

The battle of zero waste

I absolutely refuse to have any more food thrown out in this house, I can't afford it.  I already bounce between two markets, Costco, and Aldi's(all stores are within miles from my house).  Anyway back to the no waste.

We are now making pot pies with left over meats/poultry.  Its so easy to make the pie crust(heck even buy the Pillsbury one if you want) we use our little Pyrex dishes and in goes the meat or poultry, whichever veggies are left over or are in the freezer, potato's..we are Irish there are always potatoes.  Put in the extra gravy and pastry on top and bake(just make sure not to put meat in the vegetarians).  This not only cleaned out a good amount of leftovers but they were really good!!!!  And filling.  Believe me what they call a pot pie in the market is NOT a pot pie.

We have also had pizza bagels with bagels that were on the edge of going(they were pushed to the back of the bread drawer).  Tuna salad with a big salad was another evening.  I am pretty sure you get the idea.

The fact is food is expensive and is a big part of my budget.  I stock up on sales because I have to.  If peter pan pb is on sale at Shoprite well I am buying enough to last til the next sale which I know will be in three months.  Whichever meat is on sale or I can stretch the furthest is the one going into my cart.  Lunch meat has been cut from getting a pound to getting half a pound because except for cheese it was getting slimy to fast.  We no longer buy a gallon of milk instead it is a quart of 1% at a time.

Yogurt I have no loyalty brand wise.  Except my daughter likes regular yogurt and I like Greek.  Lately though it has been cheaper to buy the larger plain containers and mixing whatever fresh fruit,frozen fruit, honey or what we have on hand into it.  

For me right now it is about adapt and change.  I make a gallon of not so sweet tea when needed.  My daughter takes her coffee or tea with her in the morning and so do I(We have way to many travel cups).  I was excited a few weeks ago to find both sleepy time tea and raspberry tea on clearance at acme.  I think they are changing the box or the amount of bags.  Personally I don't care, I was able to pick up 7 boxes of each.  This will last us awhile.  Mom is strictly a tetly tea drinker and 2 cups of coffee in the morning.  

The facts just come down to I can not waste the food.  If it is a great deal I will pick up extras, that is why I have a pantry under the steps.  Not to hoard things but to have back ups for when we run out or when money is tight.  And more and more money is getting tight everywhere. 

Skin care matters

My grandmother was a woman of many different habits and very little waste.  She could stretch 2 pounds of ground meat to feed her 5 kids, my grandfather, herself and of course me, my sister and dad when we came along(my youngest uncle is only 8 years older than me).  We never noticed the lack of meat because there would always be potatoes(again Irish) 2 vegetables and fresh bread.  She started working at the local market when my youngest Uncle started first grade(yes so unheard of in 1966) and then was able to get marked down items and such which they didn't sell to customers but did sell to employees.  We never new what it would be but I bet you we were one of the first families on the block to have rice(which my grandfather put ketchup on and said eat it..so we did).  She worked there until the week before my first Holy Communion when they told her she couldn't have off and being ever the feminist she told her boss to "go shit in his hat" and quit. That was her go to phrase.

He came to my grandparents house the following Monday to beg her to come back, back then you had to memorize the prices and my grandmother new them backward and forward.  Which is probably why my sister and I could count, add and divide before we started school.  We played store with her when she would babysit us.

Anyway 4 habits my grandmother never varied from: She smoked 2 menthol cigarettes every day, she had a alkaseltzer every night after dinner(I loved dropping the tablets into the water).  But of her 4 habits I have only picked up two.  Noxzema and Oil of Olay.  She washed her faced with the clear brown soap..whose name I can't remember.  

Every night my Grandma put on Noxzema and kept it on.  She didn't wash it off til morning I remember she wouldn't go to bed till it was all the way dry.  In the morning she would wash it off, get dressed and get everyone out of the house and then she would slowly and in a circular motion put on oil of olay.  I remember laying on her bed as she sat at the huge vanity and then one spray of Wind Song perfume...funny I just remembered that.  

She would start and her hairline rubbing it in and slowly working down her face, the front and back of her neck and her hands.  Then she would get out the ponds(yes they still sell it..I use it) the ponds was for her arms, elbows and legs.  No matter what my Grandmother took this time for herself and her skin.  When I look at pictures I remember how beautiful she was.  She had natural black hairs, so black it almost looked blue in some stores and a widows peak.  Last went on bright red lipstick.  That was all.  

Makeup was saved for church or going out.  I remember watching my mom doing the same thing growing up, she also used a press powder that I know by smell today. Mom didn't wear makeup often the only thing she put on every day was mascara.

Then there is me.  I follow the same procedure that my grandmother and mother did.  Noxzema on over night, oil of olay(or equate from walmart..but always solid Noxzema).  When my girls became teenagers they picked up the same habit and both have beautiful skin.  So does my mother and I think for almost 49 I am holding OK.  Even when my grandmom passes away people commented on how beautiful her skin was, not a wrinkle to be found.

So Noxzema, oil of olay and ponds keep me going.  I used to be a clinique girl also but I am slowly running out of the astringent and cream and it's just not in the budget anymore.  They can make me get older but I intend to fight looking it every step of the way!!!!

I wonder if men use noxema also...hmmmmmm

Something I just have to say

Dear Family/friends/people who have no idea who I am nor do they care:

Someone said to me today that anxiety was just another excuse and the new cool way to get out of commitments or doing things with others.  I stood their for a very long moment because I don't know this person well and they probably don't know that I suffer from GAD(generalized anxiety disorder).  I didn't have time to change their mind right their so I asked if we could talk sometime this weekend on the phone.

A panic attack isn't something that you can see coming on.  Sure I can tell you what my triggers are and maybe sometimes I can prevent it.  But my family and my best friend, my sister and my Aunt know when they are coming on.  And it doesn't need to be a huge thing.  It can be as simple as lunch with my Aunt who I love and was dressed and ready and couldn't walk out the door.  She understood but it was still time I missed.  So what does it feel like to have an anxiety attack? I can honestly say it's different for everyone:
=I experience a total feeling of fight or flight.  There is no other option.
=I get a feeling in my gut that slowly overwhelms me.  Sometimes,well rarely, I can overcome it or fake my way through the situation.  But believe me when I get to the car or home the tears will probably start.
=Breathing is like having a elephant sit on your chest.  The more you try to breath the more you struggle.
=If I am having an attack and I can't get in touch with someone like one of the kids, or my bestie, my Aunt or Uncle it gets worse.  99 percent of my brain knows I am over reacting its the 1 percent that that I battle.

Now here are the good parts.  You can't catch it by talking to me.  I am also very good at hiding it from many people, if I am hiding it you will have to know me very well to know that the attack is coming or that I am having it.  My bestie is usually the best at spotting it.

The bad parts.  I have missed lunch's, drives to see my niece or visits when she was here.  I have missed just going to the store with my mom because of a fear that I will have a attack while I am out and not be able to drive home.  Go to a movie...probably not.

The future I am working on it.  The attacks are getting further apart and sometimes I can control them with breathing exercises.  I do not expect nor do I want pity from anyone.  This is a illness that no one can see which makes it harder. But there are a few things you can do....don't tell me to shake it off, or it will get better or that its in my head, I know its in my head.  Don't be afraid of things I might do I am no dangerous and yes I might cancel 4 our of 5 lunches but I will make it to one of them.

So that's it.  I was that nervous child and I will have this the rest of my life and I am living with it and succeeding.  Please treat me like everyone else since I am like everyone else..just more nervous.  I have a good life, it's not always easy but it's a good life and its getting better.

Just remember that people with GAD can't shake it off and sometimes I need a hug or a phone call and that's all it takes.  But remember an argument that you shrug off after a day I may worry about for days.  It's a process

Tomorrow back to budgets, money and life.

When things sit on your heart

I have several family and friends who are going through tough times right now.  Some are reliving hard anniversaries, some are going through things for the first time in their lives and some are just struggling.   As my grandmother always said" sometimes you just listen and you let it sit on your heart".

They are all sitting on my hearts.  I have kept them in my prayers, sent good thoughts and listened.  I can't fix any of it but I can listen and I can carry it on my heart for them for just a little bit.  No one's life is perfect and sometimes people just need someone to listen not to fix it, not to run around like the sky is falling, just listen and offer a suggestion if and only if it is helpful, well meant and will truly help.  Otherwise just listen.

I went yarn shopping...i love yarn

As a lot if people know ; knitting and crocheting put me at peace and helps me save on and make great gifts.  The only problem is I am picky about my yarn. I HATE HATE HATE HATE cheap yarn and ugly colors.  So today I ran out to purchase the final skein for my besties blanket(just oh 6 months late), I purchased quality yarn to make a beautiful lace patterned throw for my daughters wedding shower.  Yes its about a year and a half away(her shower) but this is a complicated pattern and the yarn must be worked with gently.  Lets see I also purchased;

 = black fleece yarn with and red yarn trim for my future son in law.  Daughter is always hot and future son is always cold so this really will be for him.  The colors not go with the wedding colors which are two of the four colors in the wedding, but I feel he will know I really do like and care about him.

=a dark blue fleece yarn for my daughters boyfriend that I think he will like..it's for Christmas.  Again daughter is always hot and boyfriend is always cold.  I guess we are one of those families who likes the cold.  We are the last to turn the heat on and even open the windows a crack.

=2 small skeins if cashmere yarn for my sons girlfriend for a  shawl for work or for dressing up outfits..  And four fleece skeins for their sofa in dog color.

Best of all its craft month so I some of the yarn was on a really good sale and I used a coupon at ac moore and mom used a coupon at ac moore. The cashier then asked if I had more coupons and rang up my next two orders with the coupon.  So all the orders had coupons!  This is why I love AC Moore, more than Michaels.  

So with the big storm coming in I will be knitting and crocheting away.

The ups and downs

I have come to terms with the fact that I have a almost unhealthy relationship with money.  But that comes from being in debt, spending when I shouldn't and always having a EXCUSE FOR WHY. But you reach a point when you run out of excuses and then you deal with the reality of life.

I have been working my ass off getting out of debt and its getting there.  I am also working on getting my 403 where it should be, having a EF and also a savings account.  I know not a lot of money in savings account but its a steady bit of money going in every two weeks.  But I have made mistakes to go along with the things I got right

=Starting 403b a few years ago but stupidly opened a cd last year but only with 500.00 in it by only $7.75 in interest in a year.  So up and down.

=Cut back on the usage of my cell phone and the amount of Internet since I do not need it but accidentally went over by by 2 gigs which cost me 20 buck.  I now have have it set so it cuts off at a certain point.  No more going over.

=reduced the Internet in the house for a savings of 25.00- cable went up by 7.00.

=Pondering the whole cut the cable package for a good savings- but truthfully there are channels we watch and our TVs are to old for the rokus or whatever.  There is always Netflix but who knows.

=Our state now has the option of registering your car for two years instead of 1 for 77.00 so I did that - BUT they charge 5.00 for the privilege of registering your car.  Sigh

=My prescriptions are filled for 90 days - but the my migraine pill puts me to sleep within 20 minutes,360 pills I can't take unless my migraine occurs when I am home and not planning on driving or holding a intelligent conversation. But if I am home well they work great. So I now have one that doesn't put me to sleep and about 2 years of one that does put me to sleep.

In the end you take the good and the bad and find a happy middle ground

Getting out the clutter

I have to admit I am getting there.  My bills are actually paid on time and me being me I have the house stocked with food.  Items that will keep through lent, into spring and maybe summer.  The freezer is stocked  and I am eyeballing one of those machines that sucks all the air out of meat/chicken/fish/ so that I can keep them even longer. But we will see since it is a need not a want plus its another thing coming into the house!!!!

I am also still on my declutter spree.  If I don't need it well then I try to sell it first, then offer it to friends and finally off to St. Vincents.  I don't mean just just stuff I don't need or have room for but also thing I never really liked or things I have grown very tired of.  Plus like many of my generation I just don't have the inclination to get rid of it 2 or 5 years down the line.  I want it gone and I want it gone now.  Stocking up on food or tea bags or coffee is one thing but having  my grandmothers china(staying) and two other sets of china which is going to my daughters if they want it or out the door if they don't is another.  A 4 set of correll dishes is more than enough and yes I admit it, I use paper plates.

Being part of the sandwich generation, in between my parents and my children, I just don't feel the need for the crap.  Will my children have children...well I have no idea but they do not want the clothing that they wore for many reasons.  And that is fine with me...off to St. Vinnys.  My goal is a trash bag a week of things I do not need.  I am sure there is someone out there who can use it.

Better I streamline in my late(cough couch) 40's then have to to do it in my 50's or 60's.  Plus the things I keep Will mean much more to myself and my children.

Lonely people

Remember the song:...Look at all the lonely people...thinking that life has passed them by?  Well it's true there are so many lonely people in the world, in your city, on your street, in your house, at your your job or maybe just maybe the lonely person is you.

Last year and part of this year I went through period of loneliness that almost brought me to my knees yet when people asked me how I was I would say I was fine.  I wasn't fine, my heart hurt so much I would cry myself to sleep or cry in the shower when there wasn't anyone to hear me.  I was so lonely that I really didn't know where to turn.  I mean I had my family and my best friend but truthfully how often did they want to listen to me bitch and moan and cry about how hard life was when their lives were hard to, the fact was I just had a harder time handling mine.

The surprising thing is that you could ask some people and they would tell you I was fine.  But I wasn't.  I was truly and deeply lonely, scared and some days frightened.  I was just able to cover it well which while being a great skill is not one I ever want to have again.  To be lonely and frightened is hard especially because you don't realize until you come out of the fog how many people would have helped you, would have held your hand or listened.

There are still days where I am lonely.  Some of them I reach out for help but some of them I am to afraid to.  This is my issue and something I need to work on.  Because from the bottom of my heart I DO NOT want to be lonely anymore.

When you realize someone doesn't like you

There comes a time in our lives when we realize that not everyone likes us.  It's a sickening feeling, it makes you feel inferior and wonder what could you could have done that someone doesn't like you, when you though your were a fairly nice person.  But truthfully not a single one of us is the moon and the stars to everyone.  Surprising right..nope not really.

So then what do I do(everyone reacts differently)?  There was a time that I would freak out, probably cry(when I got home), taken a pill because of course it was going to cause a panic attack just going over what I could have possibly done.  But that has changed or is changing.  First of all I make sure to  which write, in depth, at least 4 times a week in my journal.  This has given me a whole new outlook on the things that are going on in my life and around me.  Another was accepting that I can not control everything, that some people don't care how I feel. Now I am not saying there aren't people who care about me or who know when I am a bit "off".  But the truth is that not everyone is going to like me and even though I may never know why the world will keep spinning.

BUT this also gives me the freedom of not having to love, like or even tolerate people who I kept in my life for way to long.  What a freeing feeling.  I don't have to like you and you don't have to like me.  Imagine that....we don't have to like everyone and they most certainly don't have to like us.  The difference with me is once upon a time it could drive me to a total feeling of panic and misery.  I would actually feel physically ill.  But not any longer, you see I am taking my life back.

Guess what!  This doesn't just go for people you work with or live near but your family also.  I don't mean my children or my mother or sister...I love them, yes we argue, sure we don't always agree.  But its OK.  Now there are other members of my family ..well...not so much.  And that is OK, painful at times, but in the end it is healthier for me.

This was an eye opening experience for me.  A freeing experience.  I feel like for the first time in a very long time that I don't have to feel guilty for not liking or wanting to be around someone.  And I am OK with you not being my biggest fan either. After all not everyone gets along.  Maybe someday in the future we will find a middle ground but the fact that I no longer pretend to like someone makes my life easier and also takes away the panic because I can honestly say that I really don't care as much (there are still lingering bits of panic or pain but I am getting there).  My days of crying and panic about things I could not possibly fix it are over.  No it is not always easy and sometimes I feel a little panic creep in but then I think about it, breath slowly and go on with my life.

Lent

Lent is just around the corner and again this year seems to be going faster than I can keep up with. But back to talking about Lent, when I was child it consisted of giving up something that was really hard like chocolate or a TV show.  But now everything has changed.

So what do you give up for Lent when your in your 40's.  I don't really eat much chocolate, soda has already been given out since our Mayor has decided to tax it by the ounce...yeah by the ounce.  So what to do.  I think this year I am going to try to give up something different for Lent.  Maybe it will be time or donations.  I haven't really decided yet.  Being a good Catholic is a struggle for me right now but I guess that is the reason for Lent..to see the struggle and sacrifice you should be doing.  Not worrying about what the person in the pew next to you is giving up or doing.  

I know one of the things I will be giving up for lent is my judgment of others.  After all I am not without sin myself so I won't be casting any stones.

So I will probably go live today

Well I think today is going to be the day I tell my bestie about the blog and have her read it.  But I am going to go live anyway...hey no one may read it but I am really ok with that.  But right now its 5 in the morning and I have things I should be doing.  So here is to going life at some point today

What are you doing with your refund?

I guess first I should say if you are getting a refund what are you doing with it? Thank God I don't owe but I am still getting a refund.  So I will re-adjust my with holding again so that I don't have a refund or have very little next year.  This year things changed with deductions and next year it will change completely since I will have no children to claim and no college costs to claim either.  But on the good side that means no Fasfa!  Whooo hooo.

So anyway this year I am getting a small refund(much smaller then I thought) but again the goal is not to owe anything....to be even.  So small is good.  With my refund I am doing a major stock up at the markets(hitting the deals at each) and then off to Costco.  While this may sound silly to some, stocking up on certain items saves me time and money in the end.

I am also putting money into my EF fund since it needs an infusion.   My car tags are due in March so I am going to splurge and renew them for two years.  My inspection is due in May.  Since I am taking the car to the mechanic for an oil change next week I will have him go over it so I know what i am looking at(if I need anything).  I think I may need 4 new tires or at least two since one of them is plugged and I just noticed there is a huge bolt type screw in another tire.  So I will put money aside for that.  We can only get our cars inspected 3 months ahead of time but nothing says I can't have my mechanic look at it and get the work done before.  Oh I also purchased new windshield wipers which my mechanic will put on when he does the oil change..yes I could have had Auto zone put them on but last time they almost broke the clip for the back one.  

The final part of the pay out is going to pay my car insurance for the year.  Since my mom is no longer driving it dropped my insurance a little.

I know some people are banking the whole thing or maybe they are going out shopping.  It's your money so no judgment from me, I am simply wondering how everyone is spending.

Oh I did forget to admit that I am going to buy yarn.  I need one skein to finish a project for someone, my niece just went from a toddler bed to a twin size bed and informed me she would really like a new blanky so we will pick out the yarn when she is down(ever pick out yarn with a four year old its like getting pecked by a duck) but I will try and steer her towards the soft quality yarn.  Besides that I warned my sister she can have any color she wants.  Oh and I found wonder woman material so I will pick up enough of that to make a pillow case for her.  She loves all the super hero's but especially wonder woman and superman.  So If I find some superman material that isn't to expensive I will make two pillow cases.  I know I am boring.  But its yarn...i love yarn...

Stressing about money can ruin your life

Stress.  Money.  Bills. Money. Anxiety.   All of this is caused by stressing about things you can't afford or think you can't afford.  Sure there are lots of reasons to stress out and panic but take it from someone who in a previous life would call her best friend in tears because of bills I was stressing over.  Truthfully I didn't have as much debt as some and I had more than others but I needed to adjust to one income and I needed to realize that even though I owed money the worst they could do was beat me with a paper stick.  They could not take away my home(nope never put that at risk), they couldn't take my my family away, all I had to do was keep working, keep trying.  So why was I giving them the power to make me miserable.

Guilt was a big part.  I owed money...I had to pay it off now...what could I cut to save money.  It was at this point that I realized I could only take one step at a time after all owing money on a car, or a loan or a credit card didn't mean I had to give up my life.  So I stopped.  I stepped back and I prioritized. First thing was an EF and when that was at a comfortable(for now) level then I looked at the bills and I made sure everything was caught up.  After that I looked at which ones would get paid off first. Not exactly the Dave Ramsey method BUT all my bills are current, my 403 is looking good, and I have a EF.  I am now down to exactly 4 debts that need to be paid off.  Not including basics such as food, utilities, car insurance and such.  And yes those bills are in the process of being paid off.

But one of the important things I have learned is that owing a company money does not mean I owe them my life.  I do not need to live in fear of phone calls or worry that this is the end of the world as I know it.  I just keep going on.  If they call me for some reason I tell the truth.  They are current and I am paying what I am supposed to so please don't call again.  If they keep calling while I am current well that's why my phone has that neat block feature and why I don't answer calls from numbers I don't recognize.  Again I owe them money but not my life or happiness.

Believe this isn't something I came to overnight.  I had to put more value on me then on the money I owe.  I am more important than my bank balance or my credit score and I am sticking to that.   Maybe if things go as planned I will be debt free by Christmas or maybe something will happen and it will take longer.  But it still will not effect my happiness or drive me to the point of panic attacks(extreme ones).  Just take your power back.  We are more than the sum of our bank accounts.

Starting over....again

Well lets see...I think this is the 4th blog I have had, so maybe it should be life behind door number four.  But it doesn't, so we will all just deal with it and move along.  I am going to make three statements and then I am going to move on to my blog.  Right now I have it marked private till I write a few posts and show my bestie and get my blog feet back.

The three statements well here we go:
- Yes I did delete my blogs and start over a few times.  This had everything to do with how I was feeling or what was going on in my life.  I did get some nasty emails but never answered them because even though I am blogging. my life is my life.  I think that sometimes we feel that we owe people a post every day, or something that goes along with the majority vote on feelings, money and such.  When I no longer enjoyed the blog, when it felt forced or when people felt that they could look up my children on facebook(don't bother they don't have them anymore)  That is when blogging lost it's joy for me.

-I am going to blog about all kinds of things this time around.  What ever I am feeling.  It may be money and budgets one day, depression or panic attacks, getting older as the sandwich generation or who knows but I am writing for me this time.  And though I still read other blogs I won't be crushed if you have no interest in mine.  After all blogging is about the freedom.

-My family and kids are so off limits this time.  I mean it, though I may mention things from time to time it wont be anything serious and I wont invade their privacy.  They are adults.  They all work hard and I am proud of them.  But they are totally off limits.

So I know this first posting sounds mean or even harsh but it really wasn't meant that way.  I am just easing  my way back in on my terms.  I will write about what ever strikes me at the moment and see where it goes from there.  Hopefully I don't find a reason to leave ever again but life changes, doors open and close, friends move on, children grow up.   On that note I will end this blog post :)